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Untitled Asexual!Lithuania Lietpol fic. Currently unedited

***

Feliks opened the door to their house, kicking some mud off his boots and leaving them by the door. He took off his raincoat and placed his umbrella by the wall.
 
“Babe, I’m home!” he said.
 
“I’m in the kitchen.”
 
That was odd. The house had no strong scent of meat or spices or any of the rich, hearty foods Toris would make during the winter. Toris hated takeout.
 
Feliks entered the kitchen to find Toris sitting at the kitchen table. Toris had a half-full cup of coffee in his hands, a deliberative expression on his face. He looked up at the sight of Feliks, a small smile gracing his face.

A seed of worry sewed in Feliks’ stomach. “What’s up?”

“Hey, ahh, can I please talk to you for a little bit?”

“Hey, ahh, can I please talk to you for a little bit?”

The seed blossomed. Toris never beat around the bush. Feliks sat down. “What’s wrong?”

Toris shook his head. “Nothing really. I just want to talk to you about something.”

Weird. Too weird. “About what?”

“See…” Toris opened his mouth to continue his sentence but sighed, deliberatively drinking more of his coffee. “I had this all thought out in my head but…”

“What is it?” Was the house in foreclosure? Did Toris lose his job?

“Do you know what the term ‘asexual’ means?”

Feliks stared at him. “Like sea sponges?”

“Not exactly. Asexuality in humans is about not being sexually attracted to anyone.”

“Okay,” Feliks said. “Why’re you, like, bringing this up?”

“Because I’m asexual, Fel.”

Feliks laughed. “Toris, totally, especially after we had sex last night.”

Toris’ expression remained passive. “I’m being serious. I’m asexual. I don’t experience sexual attraction.”

Feliks’ smile disappeared, and he stared at him.

“Wow, um, okay, that totally makes no sense. Believe me, you definitely experience sexual attraction.”

Toris shook his head. “No, Feliks, I don’t.

Coldness spread throughout Feliks’ body. A stone dropped in his stomach.

I knew it.

He gulped, and a massive lump rose in his throat.

I knew it.

Toris always seemed bored in bed, looking like a soldier doing his duty.

I knew it.

“Fel, are you okay?”

Tears fell down Feliks’ cheeks, and he raised his arm to wipe them off with his sleeve. “I-I’m fine. T-Totally fine…” He expected this. He knew. He knew all along.

“I knew it,” he finally voiced. “I knew it. I totally…”

“Darling.” Toris’ hand reached out to hold his.

Feliks pushed his chair away from the table. It was as though he was soaked to the bone in cold water.

“I knew it,” Feliks said. “I c-could totally t-tell. You…You never liked having sex with me. Ever. I-I could totally tell. Wh—” He gulped. “—Wh-Whenever I tried to turn you on, you—you always looked s-so bored no matter what I did. I…” He sniffed. “I knew you were too good to be bi…”

Toris looked stricken.

“Just because I don’t want to have sex doesn't mean I don’t love you.” He spoke slowly and clearly, a line rehearsed. “I love you, Fel. I just don’t want to have sex with you.”

Feliks choked and let out a sob and buried his head in his arms, in the arms of the soft red sweater Toris got him last Christmas. It was him. It really was him. Toris never wanted to have sex with him. Hell, he was using this as an excuse…

“You don’t even think I’m pretty, do you?” Feliks whimpered from the darkness of the sleeves. “You never thought I was. You—you don’t even l-love me, huh?”

“I told you I love you,” Toris whispered. “I love you with my whole heart. I’m just not interested in sex all that much.” He got up from the chair and rubbed Feliks’ back, his warm hands circling his shoulder blades. “I know it’s hard, and I know it’s a shock, but I love you, and I still want us to be together.”

He said some other soft comforting words, but Feliks’ gross sobs and whimpers drowned him out. Maybe he still never got over Natalia. He said that he wanted to be with Feliks, but how long did he expect them to last, a month, a year? Feliks couldn’t bear to think about life without Toris. They were going to get married and buy a house in the suburbs and adopt kids and—and—

Feliks finally sat up and looked across the empty table. This meant no more romantic evenings, no more mornings cuddling in bed after a night of lovemaking. There wouldn’t even be lovemaking anymore.

“Did I do it wrong?” he said.

“What?”

“I said, did I, like, do it wrong? Am I really that bad at sex? Is it because I’m a guy?” Feliks asked. He just had to know.

“It has nothing to do with you at all.” Toris stroked his hair. “You’re still my darling, and I love you. I just don’t need sex. Everything else stays the same.”

What a lie. A knot of frustration and anger welled up inside Feliks.

“Then how do you expect everything to be the same without sex?” he demanded. “You know me. I want sex. I have needs, unlike you.”

“We can still have sex,” Toris said. A shard of ice entered his voice. “It’s not that big of a problem. I can still do it to make you happy.”

“That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard,” Feliks snapped. “You’re probably not even gonna get hard.”

“Feliks, I’ve never had a problem with being—”

“Still, why would I want to fuck you if you’re not even gonna like it? That’s, like, so stupid.”

“I don’t gain pleasure from it in the traditional sense, but I want you to fulfill your needs—”

“Real romantic there, babe,” Feliks said. He needed to leave. He needed to get out of here. He needed to see Erszi or call Feli or something. Get away from Toris.

“I’m sorry. I’ve explained everything as best as I can, and I’ve repeated what I’ve said multiple times. I don’t know what you want me to do.”

“I don’t know either!” Feliks yelled, choking out another sob. “Toris, I want to have sex with you and I want to be with you but—”

“I don’t know,” Toris said. “I want to be with you too, but—”

“I need to leave.” Feliks cut him off and stood up, going towards the door. Toris stared at him as if he punched him, tears welling in his eyes. Feliks tore his eyes away from the sight. He hated it when Toris cried. He almost never cried.

“Where are you going?” Toris asked.

“Probably Erszi’s.”

“When are you coming back?”

“I…I don’t know, okay? I don’t. I don’t even think it matters at this point.”

“Don’t forget your raincoat. I think it still might be raining.”

Feliks slipped on the coat he wore minutes before and got his keys.

“I love you, Feliks.”

Feliks gulped and zipped up the jacket, tears mixing in with the water droplets. He picked up the umbrella and went out the door. Behind him, Toris said nothing.

The polite thing would be to call or text Erszi to tell him that he would be coming over, but he had already made so many unannounced visits after arguments with Toris that it would be futile. The rain had slowed to a light drizzle. Puddles scattered the street and sidewalk. The people who walked to the subway or their homes after work fled, taking shelter in their homes. The streets were empty. Feliks was alone.

He walked several blocks. His phone never rang nor vibrated. Toris knew him best. Feliks needed time to think, but about what he did not know. His best friend, his lover—well, not anymore—didn’t find him attractive. He didn’t even want to have sex with him. Why would Toris still want to pursue a relationship with him if he didn’t want to have sex with him? Wasn’t sex the ultimate act of intimacy? Did Toris feel anything at all while doing it? Was he lying to Feliks the whole time to spare his feelings?

While he thought, the neighborhood changed from middle-class multi-colored rowhouses to large mansions from the 1850s. Here, Feliks came upon more people. Joggers ran with their dogs. Kids rushed to get home from school. Well-dressed adults stepped into their BMWs or Mercedes for black-tie events.

Feliks found Erszi’s house and stepped up the flower-lined footpath. He closed his umbrella under the patio and rang the doorbell. Their cars were in the driveway. Both of them were home.

The door opened.

“Ah hello, Feliks,” Roderich answered. “I’m assuming you’re here to see Erszi.”

Feliks nodded.

The usually stern expression on Roderich’s face softened at the sight of Feliks.

“I’ll go get her. She’s in a conference call right now, but she should be finished soon. You may come inside.”

Feliks entered the house.

“But take off your rainboots first. I just cleaned the foyer!”

Feliks obeyed.

Roderich slipped into another room. Feliks sat on the living room sofa and took out his phone. Nothing from Toris.

A few minutes later Erszébet came out of the room that Roderich entered with her husband close behind. She took off the clip that pulled her hair back in a bun and shook her head, allowing the soft brown locks to fall down her shoulders and back.

“Feliks!” Erszébet rushed over to him, sitting down next to him and pulling him into a hug. “Feliks, honey, what happened? Is everything okay? You look miserable.”

“Toris—”

“Did you two get into another fight again?”

“S-Sorta but…” Feliks trailed off and clung to her arm, burying his head in her neck.

“Roderich, can you please put some soup on the stove?”

“I have to be at the amphitheater in a half-hour.”

“Just heating up some soup won’t make you late.”

With a resigned sigh, Roderich went to the kitchen.

Erszébet pulled away from the tight hug and looked at Feliks. “Now you just tell me everything that happened, okay?”

“Okay,” Feliks replied weakly.

“Liebling, how do I use the can opener again?”

Erszébet closed her eyes. “Oh my God, he’s useless,” she whispered. “Just do what it looks like you’re supposed to do!”

“F-Fine.”

Erszébet shook her head. “Anyways, what happened, Fel? Did you two get into a fight over cleaning?”

Feliks shook his head. “N-No, not that. He…He told me he was kinda a-asexual.”

Erszébet’s eyes widened. “O-Oh, really? I-I never would have thought…”

“I totally shoulda known.” Feliks rubbed his eyes. “He, like, never liked having sex with me ever. I’m so stupid…”

Erszi gave him a pitiful expression. “Did he say that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore?” she asked gently.

“Well…no,” Feliks admitted. “It’s just….God, he probably doesn’t even love me.”

“Did he tell you that he didn’t?”

“No.”

Erszébet’s face blanked. “Wait, so he said he loved you, and he wants to stay with you, and you’re upset because…?”

“He doesn’t want to…I don’t know…I just totally want sex, okay?”

“Did he say you two wouldn’t have sex again?”

“No—”

“Then well, Feliks, a relationship isn’t just about sex.”

“I know that!” Feliks snapped. “I’ve been with him for, like, three years. Don’t you think I know that by now?”

“I’m just telling the truth. You’re getting upset over a very petty reason.” Erszébet furrowed her brows and looked at him closely. “Unless…that’s not what it’s just about, is it?”

Feliks stayed quiet. The only sounds were Roderich’s German muttering in the kitchen.

“Do you trust him?”

“…Duh, totally.”

Erszébet picked up on his hesitation, and her face became stern. “Feliks, I’m being serious. There’s something else bothering you. Do you trust Toris’ love for you?”

“Duh, I mean…I used to.”

“You used to?”

“He liked Natalia for a really long time—”

“Wasn’t that in high school?”

“Yeah, but—”

“And you’re still self-conscious about it?”

“I can’t help it!” Feliks snapped. “He wanted her for years, and—and I guess, when he, like, finally gave up on her, he turned to me instead.”

“And he still does,” Erszi said. “He’s told you so many times that he loves you, and you don’t trust his word just because of his sexual orientation and his coming out?”

Feliks stayed quiet again. Erszi sighed.

“You’re in shock.” She put an arm around his shoulder. “You’re just in shock about this whole thing and you’re assuming about Toris’ feelings and you’re doubting him.”

Roderich came out of the kitchen with a soup-splattered apron—and a bowl of creamy chicken noodle.

“Thank you, honey,” Erszi said when Roderich put the bowl on the coffee table. “Now eat up and just calm down, Feliks. You’ll feel better in a matter of hours.”

***

Toris did what he always did during a fight with Feliks—clean.

The kitchen was spotless: all the dishes cleaned and put away, the salt and pepper shakers refilled, the hand towels hanging from the handle of the dish washer. The floor was vaccuumed. The curtains were dusted. More rain pounded on the windows and thunder roared in the distance.

Five, six, seven. The hours passed without Toris looking at the clock. He knew that Feliks needed a little while to calm down during a fight. Calming down after coming out…that might require more than a little while. As much as his repulsive reaction hurt Toris, he realized that Feliks might be in shock. His own parents reacted similarly after he came out to them about being bisexual all those years ago, but everything calmed down on his side of the family. Eventually.

Exhausted mentally and physically, Toris finished rearranged the books in his bookshelf alphabetically and sat on the couch. He took out his phone. Nothing yet. How much longer did Feliks need to calm down?

His phone vibrated. It was a text, but not from Feliks—from Erszi.

hey howre you holding out over there?

Toris sighed and answered:

Alright, I guess. How’s Feliks?

It took Erszi a minute to respond.

a lot better than earlier. hes calmed down a lot but i think hes still a little shaken. i dont know when he’ll be back but im guessing in an hour or so.

Toris ran a hand over his face and tears sprang into his eyes. At least Feliks was in good hands and calming down and wanted to return.

It’ll be late by that time.

oh don't worry! ill drive him over.

Is he hungry? He didn’t have dinner before our—Toris paused to think of a reply—discussion.

hes fine. I gave him some soup and now hes watching the daily show.

Did you talk with him? Did he tell you everything?

of course he did. he was panicking a little at first and i talked him out and explained a few things to him but he should be okay. but you and him have got a lot to talk about.

I figured as much. Please tell him I love him.

i will.

Toris was about to turn on their TV when his phone vibrated again.

babe i love u too <3

Feliks, you know how much I love you.

i know :c <3 hun im so sorry i ran out like that. i think we should have a talk. please.

We should. If you’re not comfortable coming home right now, please take your time. I understand.

but i want to go home now. i miss you a lot. :cccc and im really really sorry about what happened.

It’s okay. We can talk more when you get home.

okay!!!! ill talk to erszi.

He waited for about five minutes when the phone buzzed during a game of Flappy Bird.

see u in 5 minutes.

Toris sighed and leaned back in the couch, wondering what to do in the meantime. He could mop, but that would require Feliks walking in on wet floors. Or he could just sit and wait. Sitting never seemed so stressful.

After five minutes, Feliks opened the front door.

“Fel…” Toris stood up, his heart pounding.

Feliks met his eyes once then looked down. The rain soaked his jacket and water dripped from his hair.

“You look so cold,” Toris said. Feliks needed a blanket. He took him by the hand and led him inside, not caring if the freshly vacuumed floors got full of water.

“Thank you, Erszi!” he called out to her.

“No problem, Toris,” she yelled back from her car.

After she had driven away, Toris closed the door. Feliks rung out his hair and slipped off his jacket, hanging it on the coatrack.

“I’m going to go get a towel,” Toris said.

Feliks nodded.

“Fel?” Toris sighed and pulled his wet husband into a hugs, kissing the top of his head. “I love you.”

“Mmmfmfmfmfmfmmmff.”

“What?”

Feliks pulled away, tears in his eyes. “Babe, I’m so so so sorry. I, like, had no idea how stupid I was acting and—and—and—”

“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” Toris said. He kissed his forehead. “I’m just glad your back home.”

Feliks choked and rested his head against Toris’ chest. “I was such an idiot though.” He wiped his eyes. “Erszi told me.”

“About how you were an idiot?”

Feliks chuckled. “That too, but she told me about asexuality or something.”

Toris blinked. “Erszi told you about that?”

“Yeah. She told me that just because you were asexual, doesn’t mean that you don’t love me. You’re just not into sex.”

Toris sighed. At least Erszi knew how to get through to Feliks. “Anything else?”

“Um…probably more, but that’s what stood out the most. Love doesn’t equal sex.”

“You knew that.”

“At least I thought I did. O-Oh, and I’m sorry I brought up Natalya.”

Toris flinched. “That was…”

“Yeah…I’m really sorry, babe.”

“It’s okay. Just please don’t ever do that again. For the love of God, please don’t. I have eyes for you and only you.”

“I know now. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Toris rubbed circles on his back and kissed the top of his head. “Would you like me to heat up some food? I’m sorry I didn’t make you anything tonight.”

“It’s okay. A-And I’m, like, not that hungry. Roderich attempted to make soup for me.”

“Oh.” Erszébet’s husband was interesting when it came to using household appliances.

“You know what I’d like though.”

“What?”

“If we like, still got some coffee. Or maybe tea. Something like that.”

“Of course.”

“Your clothes are all damp now.”

“I know.”

Toris pulled away from the hug and went into the kitchen, boiling a pot of water for tea. Feliks followed and sat down at the same chair where they had that argument earlier. This was going a lot better than Toris originally thought. No arguing, no fighting. Just good calm discussion. He pulled out two mugs from the cupboard.

“I-I’m also sorry that I, like, thought that you didn’t love me.”

Steam rose from the teapot. Toris’ hand gripped the side of the counter.

“Out—Out of all the things you told me, I still cannot believe you said that.”

Toris’ tone got cold and quiet. Feliks shrank back in his chair.

“I’m—I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

Toris would say it was okay, but he just shook his head, pouring the water into the mugs and putting in some chamomile teabags.

“I promised you eternal love, and eternal love is what you will get.”

Toris set down both of the mugs on the table. Feliks still shrank back in the chair, reaching out only to take his mug.

“I’m sorry,” Feliks whispered. “I’m so sorry. I knew I was so wrong now.”

Toris shook his head. He took a sip of his tea and didn’t care that it burned his tongue. “We’ve said our vows.”

“Yeah.”

Toris gulped. “Anything else?”

“Sex…”

He sighed. “I knew you’d ask about that.”

“I was talking to Erszi about it.” Of course Feliks would talk to Erszi about their sex life. “A-And you mentioned that you still wanted to have sex, but…”

“I don’t really want to have sex, but like you said, you have your needs and I…don’t have those needs.”

“I-I know. That’s what asexual is.”

Toris thought of something and smiled. “That means you don’t have to do any work.”

“What?”

“Now I can only concentrate on making you feel better.” Toris leaned over the table and kissed him, putting his hands on his shoulders.

Feliks let out a small groan and ran his hands up his sides, his hands reaching down the hem of his shirt. “O-Oh.” But then he pressed his hands against his chest and pushed Toris away. “B-Babe, wait.”

Toris sat back down and drank more of his tea. “What?”

“We don’t have to do it tonight,” Feliks said. He smiled. “We could just cuddle. It’s okay.”

Toris smiled in return. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s okay.” Feliks drank more of his tea.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Sex isn’t a biggie.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. As long as you love me, everything’s okay.”

“Alright.” Toris kissed his forehead. “Can we go cuddle after this?”

“God, yeah. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

After they drank their tea and Feliks had sufficiently dried off, both of them headed upstairs towards their room. Toris was always happy wearing his boxers and a plain white shirt to bed. Feliks, except for special occasions, loved his red pony flannel pajamas and fluffy pink socks.

“I know it’s a bit early for bed.” Feliks removed the clips from his hair and set them down on his nightstand. “But we’ve had a long day.”

“Understandable.” Toris threw back the covers and laid down on the bed, peace settling in him. “Darling.”

Feliks flopped on the bed and pulled the covers over them. He snuggled into Toris, pressing his head against his chest.

“You’re so warm,” Toris whispered.

“You always tell me that.”

“I know.” Toris kissed the top of his head and buried his face in Feliks’ hair. He always smelled of his watermelon shampoo. “I love you.”

The rain pattered against the windows. “I love you too.”

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February 2016

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